ATLRetro

Attractive Eighties Women. Photo credit: Josh Meister

Hammerhead Fest IV: Weekend at Burnouts thrashes the Star Bar back to the punk and metal glory days of the ’80s and ’90s Fri. Feb. 27 and Sat. Feb. 28 . Throw on your combat boots and get ready to thrash at this two-day event of bands, booze and debauchery. Co-headlining are comedy core “divas” Attractive Eighties Women (Fri.), who mix classic punk with ‘70s stadium rock, and self-described hardcore “jerks” The Vaginas (Sat.). Also on the killer bill are thrash metal Death of Kings,  Misfits-style punk SHEHEHE, Gunpowder Gray, Spray Tan, Hatestomp (from Tennessee), Bigfoot (featuring Kool Kat Jett Bryant), DROPOUT, Divided Heaven (featuring members of The Boils), Bottle Kids and Magoo’s Heros.

ATLRetro caught up with Phoebe Cates, recently to find out what happens when all that testosterone…er female power gets pent up in one bar. She’s one of the four Attractive Eighties Women, which also include Kelly McGillis, Christie Brinkley, Shelley Long, and Princess Leia herself, Carrie Fisher. The comedy-core band has rocked the Atlanta music scene back to MySpace days and are known for fun little ditties like “Mama Get a Mammogram,” “Murder Kroger” and “They Shoot Hipsters, Don’t They?”  “Lightning Bolt,” a jab at live-action-role-play, even made it onto AdultSwim’s FRISKY DINGO.

If that’s not enough to earn Phoebe a crack at Kool Kat of the Week, we’ve got to admit we sure dug her in GREMLINS. 

ATLRETRO: What’s the secret origin story of the Attractive Eighties Women?

Phoebe Cates: We were all fans of the Scottish prog-rock band Hot Eighties Ladies, so we decided to form a cover band. The seven original members of Attractive Eighties Women all met in 1997 in an IRC chat room for HEL fans.

How did you get your band name? We heard it had something to do with a self-help video so we assume you guys are pretty fit and stable.

The original name of the band was Guitars Aplenty—because we had four guitar players. Our friend Miss Lady Flex of Le Sexoflex suggested “Attractive Eighties Women” because our band is composed of some of the most attractive actresses of the 1980s. After she pointed that out, it was kind of a no-brainer.

Which of you is the most attractive and why?

Me, Phoebe Cates. Why? Because of this infamous clip which I’m sure you’ve seen. Christie Brinkley thinks she’s the most attractive, but she also thinks “Uptown Girl” was written about her. What an idiot. 

Classic punk mixed with ‘70s stadium rock sounds like an oxymoron. How do your reconcile the basic antipathy felt by each toward the other, or are you simply schizophrenic?

It’s 2015, who cares about multisyllabic words like “antipathy” and “schizophrenic.” Rock & roll is for the people, baby! Whether they’re in a shithole dive or the Georgia Dome, AEW is for everyone regardless of race, income level, gender, sexual orientation, smell, complexion, hair height, shoe size, IQ, political affiliation, blood type, dick length, vagina depth or BMI. Except Georgia Tech fans. They’re not welcome at our shows.

You’ve been getting airplay at major media outlets lately with the Murder Kroger getting renovated and cleaned up into the Beltline Kroger. So how do you feel about that makeover? Be honest, is Atlanta losing a landmark? 

“Murder Kroger” the song is far more famous than our band. That makes us a one-hit-wonder, just like Joan Osborne and Tag Team. If that song is our legacy in the city of Atlanta, that makes me very happy. Getting upset about gentrification or the death of small businesses is pointless. I prefer to spend my time contemplating the cosmos and writing songs about beer shits. Murder Kroger will live forever in the minds of those who experienced the filth and the fury themselves.

Should hipsters still be shot?

No one cares about hipsters anymore. What’s a 2015 hipster? What was a 2007 hipster? I say shoot everyone under the age of 25.

Why should ATLRetro readers be sure not to miss Hammerhead Fest IV?! 

Attractive Eighties Women on Friday, and our friends The Vaginas on Saturday. I really like Death of Kings, too, and I’ve heard good things about Dropout and SHEHEHE, though I’ve never seen them myself. Is that Elvis Vault still there? Also, Shelley Long promised to whip it out during our third encore.

Looking at your Facebook page, can we expect Lazer Tag?

Yes, you can expect the hell out of it. 

OK, you don’t want to give away any spoilers, but for folks who have never seen you “ladies” live, what can they expect? And for those who have, why should they bother seeing you again?

Every Attractive Eighties Women show is unique, just like human dental records. Coincidentally, that’s what the authorities will need to identify the bodies in the audience after our sick riffs burn the Star Bar to the ground.

Attractive Eighties Women. Photo credit: Josh Meister.

What else are you up to now? Tour? New songs? Album?

There are no plans for any of that stuff at the moment. Immediately after the show is over, I’m being whisked offstage and flown back to Thailand, where I’ve been living for the past five years. I am doing a lot of meditating and training at a Buddhist temple. It’s very similar to the beginning of RAMBO III.

What question do you really wish someone would ask you? And what’s the answer?

Q: What’s the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow? A: What’s it like to be a virgin in your 40s?

All photographs are provided by Attractive Eighties Women and used with permission. The cover gallery photo credit on the ATLRetro home page is by Josh Meister.